a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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