I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
