I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
