I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
