Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
