cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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