ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
