Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
