I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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