I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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