if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
