I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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