I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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