you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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