I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
