he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
