i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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