hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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