she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Edward fifth and chaser hands
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
