You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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