do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
