1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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