I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
