I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
being pregnant is like rehab
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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