hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
