I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
