so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
