I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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