the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
bring money and cleavage
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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