the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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