Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
