it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
