I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
