mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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