Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
