Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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