Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
