You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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