I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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