You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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