I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
