hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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