The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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