I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think I won the penis lottery.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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