Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
As shirtless as possible
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You made out with two different species that night
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
