I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
