Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
