i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
