she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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