I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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