birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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