Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
