peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
