Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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