I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
