my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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