im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
