fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
